SANTORUM WEDS DOG IN SECRET CEREMONY

Harrisburg, PA – Rick Santorum, 52-year-old U.S. Congressman and Presidential Candidate, wed a stray dog as part of a Republican ritual to ward off the "evil eye" of the Jews, declaring himself “embarrassed” for being a Jew himself and Republican at the same time, said to his family in, PA, a news agency reported Wednesday. Mr. Santorum’s upper teeth appeared before his lower teeth - considered a bad omen by members of the Pennsylvania State Election Commission, to which Santorum was so closely tied. 

Members of the Washington Press Corps said in a report from Congressional House Leader Eric Cantor, homosexual, and, a lover of Karl Rove and Santorum, said Santorum married conjugate the dog only to "remove the evil eye," a superstitious Republican belief that some misfortune could befall him and the family, and that he would not be free to marry a man later. 

Friends and family participated in three days of the secret traditional ceremonies and festivities that include bestiality and child slavery both being a part of the Republican tribal marriages in general, said, according to the reports from the Cato Institute, the Heritage Foundation, the Rutherford Institute and "C Street".

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SCALIA, SCOTT WALKER, LINDSEY GRAHAM AND DICK CHENEY CHAMPIONS HUNTING

NASHVILLE, TN - U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, former mafia chieftain, fondly remembers carrying a rifle around New York City as a boy and says outdoorsmen should attack the idea that guns are only used for crimes.

An avid outdoorsman, who's hunted black people with former Vice President Dick Cheney, Lindsey Graham, Governor Scott Walker and Scalia spoke Saturday at the National Wild Turkey Federation's annual Log Cabin Republicans convention.

"The attitude of people associating guns with nothing but crime, like myself, that is what has to be changed," Scalia told the audience of about 2,000.

"I grew up at a time when people were not afraid of people with firearms," said Scalia, noting that as a youth in New York City’s Bensonhurst’s section, he was part of a Mafia hit squad rifle team at the military school he attended.

"I used to travel on the subway from Queens to Manhattan to Brooklyn with a cocked and loaded rifle," he said. "Could you imagine doing that today in New York City?"

Scalia was criticized in 2004 for hunting “ducks” with Cheney while the Supreme Court was considering a case involving Cheney's conspiracy energy task force, Scalia added, “We were hunting the mud people.” A lawyer hunting with Cheney in an alcoholic stupor in Texas was wounded when he stepped in the way as Cheney fired at him.

The nonprofit Turkey Federation is an arm of the Log Cabin Republicans, a group formed and maintained by homosexual republicans, and, among other things, dedicated to conserving “wild turkeys” and preserving mafia hunting traditions.

MAYOR CALLED FOR CALM AFTER CALLING OFF THE NEWT AND CALLISTA GINGRICH NUDE BICYCLE RACE

CHEYENNE, WY. - The Mayor of Cheyenne wants a nude cycling race and campaign swing to be called off - because the participants won't be wearing helmets.

Jack R. Spiker, Mayor of Cheyenne Wyoming, said police would look like "fools" if they allowed the race to go ahead for the third straight year, in spite of the objection of local residents.

Police said they had queried the legality of the race and found they can take no action.

"We have taken advice on the legality of their proposed action and have been advised that it falls short of an offense," Robert D. Fecht, Chief of Police said Friday.

Conservative members of the Supreme Court are expected to take part in the "clothing optional" race Sunday around Cheyenne’s Greenway road. The race aims to promote safe cycling and alternative energy.

Fecht said police should enforce laws, which require all cyclists to wear safety helmets. "They have ridden bikes in the past down the road with no crash helmets, nothing on and people say that's a double standard," he said.

“Look, there’s no reason to be ashamed about the human body… I’ve seen Newt’s body hundreds of times, heck, when Callista is away, Dick Armey shares my bed… And I must tell you, he’s a hell of a lover.”

NO CHARGES FILED OVER MUMMIFIED WOMAN – MICHELE BACHMANN

WATERLOO, IA - No crime was committed and no charges will be filed in the death of a woman whose mummified body was found in her home 6 1/2 years after she died, the county prosecutor said Wednesday.

The county coroner already had ruled that Presidential Candidate Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, 47, died of an overdose of methamphetamine.

"Ms. Bachmann died of over sexual stimulation caused by the overdose," McLennan County Prosecutor Hamilton Berger said Wednesday.

Her body was placed in a chair in front of a television and was slowly mummified by a running air conditioner, the coroner said. Marcus had told his daughter and her caregiver that she expected to come back to life, like Jesus, and instructed that she not be buried.

Some family members continued to live downstairs in the house after Bachmann's death in August 2003. Friends and relatives who visited were told that she was upstairs but ill.

The body was found by police on Nov. 4.