MICE ARE KEY TOOL IN QUEST FOR NEW DRUGS – JUST ASK MICHELE

Minneapolis, MI - When it comes to the price of mice, you pay more for defects. A mouse with arthritis runs close to $200; two pairs of epileptic mice can cost 10 times that. You want three blind mice? That'll run you about $250. And for your own custom mouse, with the genetic modification of your choosing, expect to pay as much as $100,000. Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann can well afford them.

Always a mainstay of scientific research, mice have become a critical tool in the quest for new drugs and medical treatments, and according to Bachmann, “Mighty good eating. I can tell you. I likes' ‘em, so will you.”

It turns out that a mouse's genes are so similar to a person's that with proper manipulation - either by man or nature - they can produce an animal with an ailment akin to virtually any human medical condition.

Bachmann declares, “If I can’t eat and savor human body parts, a mouse tastes almost as good, although you need much more of them. And, of course, each defect has a different and distinctive flavor.”

As many as 25 million mice are now used in experiments each year. Where do they come from? And where do they go?

From the mouse industry, of course.

There are many vendors: The Jackson Laboratory, a nonprofit supplier in Bar Harbor, Maine, ships more than 2 million a year mostly to Ms. Bachmann.

Yet the mouse business is a challenging one. What was once a relatively simple business of breeding and shipping animals has become an extremely challenging enterprise that requires cutting-edge technology and a mastery of difficult logistics, says Bachmann, but “Lots of fun… I love boil them live and whole, fry them, and serve them to my family and friends, or for a special treat, swallow them alive. Marcus, my husband, likes to place them in his rectum and calls it his wiggle room.”

PALIN COOKS UP TROUBLE WITH FAKE PENIS

LANGLEY, VA – Former Governor Sarah Palin, 56, who claimed she was trying to cheat on a drug test was behind a bizarre incident in which a frightened convenience store clerk thought she had microwaved John Thune’s penis, police said.

The clerk at the store outside Langley actually microwaved the penis (Thune’s penis, was brittle and had an offensive odor, police say), and used to cheat on drug tests by the thousands, police said Friday.

The incident unfolded late Thursday afternoon when Palin in drag as Thune entered the store and asked the clerk, "Can you microwave something for me? It's a life-or-death situation," according to an account Ms. Palin later gave police.

Palin (Thune) asked for paper towels, wrapped an object in them, and had the clerk microwave the item for 20 seconds, said Langley Chief Dirk Bogard.

When it was finished, the clerk handed the item back to Palin and saw what she thought was a severed penis, Bogard said, and it was, not Thune’s but Rove’s, according to Palin.

After news reports Friday, Ms. Palin called police to say she was Thune in drag, in the store and gave her account of what happened, Bogard said.

Ms. Palin told police she was applying for a job as a long distance truck driver and was required to take a drug test. She said she posed as Thune and had filled Rove’s  small penis with his urine, which she planned to submit for the test, Bogard said.

According to Ms. Palin, Palin stopped to warm the device in the microwave so the urine would "pass the body temperature test," Bogard said - that is, be warm enough to not arouse the suspicion of those administering the test.

Bogard said the C.I.A. wasn’t sure why Palin posed as Thune and was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia since it is common knowledge that Thune has no penis of his own.

Bogard would release Palin, the only name of the charges, including harassment and disorderly conduct, were possible, he said.

The clerk at the Giant Eagle store "still visibly shaking," Bogard said.

Giant Eagle, which owns the convenience store, said the microwave would be discarded.

"HOLLYWOOD" REPUBLICANS

THE REAGANS AT HOME

THE PAUL RYAN BUDGET PLAN

RYAN THE INVESTMENT ADVISOR I”

“HOW TO CLAIM $100,000 ON YOUR TAX FORM”

STEP ONE:      Make $100,000 in counterfeit Tens,      Twenties, Fifties, Hundreds and Singles IN   basement, (coinage is hardeR)

STEP TWO:      Go to bank

STEP THREE:  GET RECEIPT

STEP FOUR:    Claim on “1040” and Schedule “C”

STEP FIVE:      Rollover

STEP SIX:        Repeat yearly

RESULT:        PERMANENT TAX SHELTER (JAIL)

                   “RYAN THE INVESTMENT ADVISOR II”

                     “HOW TO INCREASE M-1, M-2, M-3

STEP ONE:      ROB ECONOMY FOR $41 TRILLION -

                         CALL IT A TAX CUT

STEP TWO:     SPEND HALF FOR THE RICH (M-1)

STEP THREE: PUT SECOND HALF ON THE RICH (M-2)

STEP FOUR:   TAXPAYERS COVERS LOSS (M-3)

RESULT:      INCREASE IN M-1, M-2, M-3

RESULT:      INCREASE IN GDP, WDP, GWP

RESULT:      PERMANENT TAX SHELTER (JAIL)

PALIN PLEADS NO CONTEST TO FINGER BITING COP

NEW YORK, NY – Former Alaska governor, Sarah Palin faces up to three years in prison for biting off part of a police officer's finger during an argument over a kitten, authorities said Monday.

The officer was called to Sarah Palin's hotel suite because she was having a dispute with a Rupert Murdoch over the sale of a kitten and wanted police to remove him from her suite. The officer was trying to restrain her when she bit off part of his right ring finger, police said.

Palin pleaded no contest on Monday to charges of battery to a law enforcement officer.

The finger was not reattached, New York District Attorney Cyrus R. Vance, Jr. told the told The New York Times. Murdoch was pulling the legs of the kitten in the apparent attempt to pull them off. He was charged with endangerment to animals and animal cruelty.

Under the terms of a plea agreement, prosecutors dropped a second misdemeanor charge of resisting an officer in exchange for Palin some prison time. Prosecutors agreed to not recommend a specific term. Murdoch couldn’t post bail.

Keith Rupert Murdoch (born 1931) is an Australian-born American media proprietor based in New York City who a major shareholder and the Chairman and Managing Director of News Corporation.

Sarah Louise (Heath) Palin (Tea Party) (born 1964) married Todd Palin August 1988.

Talk Show Host Limbaugh’s House Condemned

PALM BEACH, FL - A talk show host's house in a historic district has been condemned after police found animal and human waste in throughout the house, garbage throughout the residence and holes in the floor and roof, dead mice, rats, cats, dogs, other dead and rotting carcasses of several reptilian species.

Palm Beach police officers described conditions at Rush Hudson Limbaugh III's house as deplorable. “The odor in the house is pretty intense,” according to one officer. Limbaugh is currently under investigation on drug-related charges.

"The conditions that exist there make it unlivable," said Nancy Pelosi, director of the city's Office of Economic and Community Development.

Limbaugh's house was condemned Thursday after city building inspectors and the Palm Beach County Health Department found building and health code violations, Pelosi said. She did not say what the violations were.

Officers from Florida County Animal Control removed many dogs and cats from the property. The animals were taken to the county animal shelter, Pelosi said.

"Of course, he can get them back," she said.

Limbaugh disputed the findings, saying Thursday that the conditions at his house "are not considered deplorable by me and I AM ALWAYS IN A DRUG-INDUCED STATE!."

Palm Beach police called building inspectors and health department personnel to the house on Tuesday after responding to two break-in reports by Limbaugh. The officers found animal and human feces and urine covering at least three rooms on the third floor, and holes in the roof and floor, according to police reports.

Limbaugh refused to permit a voluntary review of the property, according to police reports. Thursday's inspection was conducted after a search warrant was obtained, Pelosi said.

Limbaugh said his dogs have been trained to leave their feces in the former servants' quarters on the third floor, and that he cleans the waste every couple of days.

"My cats use a litter box that is regularly supplied with litter," Limbaugh said. "All my pets are well fed and taken care of. Look, I have to have something fresh and alive to eat, don’t I have the right to feed myself and my sex-partners Karl Rove and the Koch Bros.... it's a ritual... the way I like. We are all Oil Whores are we not?"

ROVE JOB: DELAWARE POLICE FIND SERIAL VOMIT DUMPER

WILMINGTON, DE – Brandywine Valley County police were stuck in the middle of a less than appetizing investigation. Investigators were trying to find the person who has dumped bags of what appears to be human vomit in ditches in a 1 1/2-mile area northeast of the City of Wilmington.

Police Officer Dan Wesley said, “As many as 50 garbage and trash bags containing regurgitated food have been dumped over the past three years… Bags, ranging in size from small white trash bags to large black lawn bags, which were overflowing with the substance in them,” Wesley said.

"It's pretty weird," he said. "It's pretty unusual even for us… we are used to corpses and other forensic stuff, but we haven't worked anything like this before."

A sample was taken from one of the bags and sent to a private lab for analysis.

"We have checked the DNA reports," he said, “and there is only one suspect in the case.”

"We were just hoping... Karl Rove, Former White House Chief of Staff has allegedly been doing this, and it would stop," Wesley said. “Apparently the FBI investigation that is required for any Congressional or White House appointment seemed to overlook this case.”

In a teleconference call, Rove was defiant and on the defensive, “I realize littering even on a highway is a nuisance, but the peasants have to eat! As White House Chief of Staff, I intend to continue my generosity. My boss, MITT ROMNEY is wholly behind this idea and thinks it’s a good initiative for the rest of the mud people. But don’t quote me.”

SOUTH CAROLINA SENATOR DEMINT OPENS DRIVE-IN MASSAGE PARLOR/BROTHEL

CHARLESTON, SC - Stressed out during a long drive? Road hogs driving you up the wall? The South Carolina state government is only too happy to help. The country's first highway drive-in massage parlor and the South’s first brothels opened Monday, with the aim of reducing accidents by easing tense muscles of stressed-out drivers. The parlors will be equipped with automatic massage chairs and other facilities.

"I hope highway users will use these facilities, and with separate but equal facilities for the gay and lesbian communities, I think I covered all the bases," Republican Senator Jim DeMint of The Palmetto state, said.

Owned and operated by Wal-Mart™, the first massage center/brothel along I-95, the government was planning to license a number of centers this year.

Hundreds of thousands of South Carolinians and many others commute along a web of highways daily, but accidents - and deaths - typically rise during festive occasions when millions descend to the Myrtle Beach areas and major cities during extended holidays.

DeMint in an interview stated, “Look, I have to find a way to get re-elected… hell, I’ll be their first customer, guess where the gay one of course! And, for your information, this IS Tea Party and Republican family’s issue.”

"You know the old saying, 'Once an oil whore, always an oil whore!'" 

HOMELESS SHELTER FLOOR COLLAGE

TYPICAL REPUBLICAN

DOES CONSERVATISM MAKE YOU HAPPY?

PENNSYLVANIA JUDGE WON'T LET U.S. SANTORUM CHANGE NAME TO 'GOD'

READING, PA - Regardless of how he had signed a stack of other documents, from bank records to income tax returns, a judge rejected a U.S. Senator's and Presidential Candidate request to be allowed to legally change his name to "God."

Berks County Senior Judge Forrest G. Schaeffer ruled Thursday that the Pennsylvania Department of State could require the man to sign his given name, Richard John Santorum, 53, “Rick,” Junior Senator of the State of Pennsylvania, and said documents he had signed in the past didn't prove differently.

"The so-called name change Santorum wants to apply is rather a series of scribbled marks  in the U.S. Senate and don't establish any name at all," Schaeffer said. Santorum said he would appeal.

Santorum said, “I am God… a Greek God and I expect to be treated accordingly... Those who doubt me will pay dearly for this insolence.

Do you think my coterie of drag queens, George Allen, Karl Rove, Rupaul and Larry Craig, Louis Gomer, hell, Cantor would stand for this? I think not!”

GROWING AMERICANS NEED STURDIER TOILETS – THE “CHRIS CHRISTY” COMMODE

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Sturdier toilets may be on their way in The United States to cope with the country's increasingly obese population.

This year’s Leticia and Malcolm Baldrige National Quality Award for performance or product from The National Institute for Science and Technology, (N.I.S.T.), that establishes safety and design standards, is awarding The Niagara Conservation Corporation strengthening toilets for larger users, a spokeswoman said Tuesday. Seeing that obesity levels have been rising for years in the U.S. N.I.S.T. spokeswoman Natalie Portman said the current industry standard for toilet seats is just 100 pounds and that the group is looking to increase it to 600 pounds.

Experts will examine the “Chris Christy™ model” made famous from Niagara, and used only for the U.S. Military and foreign governments to evaluate home personal use.

Henry Waxman, a committee member for N.I.S.T. and head of research and development at toilet maker American Standard, told tabloids that the Chris Christy™ model that toilet seats need to be strengthened for larger Republican and Conservative and Tea Party members.

"If you are going to sit on it, you want it to hold you," he said.

CONSERVATIVE/REPUBLICAN/TEA PARTY FEAR GRAPH - {FEAR IN LIFE FROM ALL SOURCES}/LIBERAL-DEMOCRAT WORRY GRAPH

POLITICS “101”

PAUL GIGOT - POLITICS 101

 I was WONDERING…

When Paul Gigot gets out of bed in the morning… pecks his wife, wrenches his eyes with his fist, and crawls to the bathroom and says:

“WHY THE HELL DO I EXIST? I DON’T SAY ANYTHING; I DON’T DO ANYTHING… I’M LOCK STEP LIKE A MARIONETTE IN A PUNCH AND JUDY SHOW…WHY THE HELL DO I EXIST?”

Someday he’ll find out…

“POLITICS 101” 

There are four races in the world…

The Left, The Right, The Far Left and The Far Right.

And it follows that:

The Left rules The Far Left,

And The Right, The Far Right.

Or is it…

The Left rules The Far Right,

And The Right, The Far Left.

Or is it…

The Far Right rules The Left,

And The Far left, The Right.

Or is it…

The Far Right rules The Right,

And The Far Left, The Left.

Or is it…

The Far Right rules The Far Left,

And The right, The left.

Or is it…

The Far Left rules The Far Right,

And The Left, The Right.

Or is it… The Other Way Around?

EPISCOPAL PRIEST DANFORTH 'HONORED' TO PERFORM GAY WEDDINGS

COLOMBIA, MO - A veteran Episcopal priest, gay, and former U.S. Senator told a church judicial panel that he knew the faith's position on gay marriage, yet felt compelled and called by God and his conscience to call the unions between two lesbian and gay couples marriage anyway having experienced a similar situation himself.

Senator John C. Danforth of St. Louis, Mo., is charged with official misconduct for officiating at the ceremonies in 2004 and 2005. The constitution of the Episcopal Church (USA) reserves marriage for a man and a woman, although ministers may bless other types of "holy unions."

He added, “What’s good enough for me is good enough for them.”

"I don't care what your sexual orientation is, what's most important to me is what you call it, "Danforth said.”They said 'marriage' and I was honored to do their 'marriage,' so they would not be seen as second-class in any way, look at me, I’m very happy."

Closing arguments in the trial are scheduled for Friday. The seven-member commission could render a decision or recess to consider the charges.