SANTORUM WEDS DOG IN SECRET CEREMONY

Harrisburg, PA – Rick Santorum, 52-year-old U.S. Congressman and Presidential Candidate, wed a stray dog as part of a Republican ritual to ward off the "evil eye" of the Jews, declaring himself “embarrassed” for being a Jew himself and Republican at the same time, said to his family in, PA, a news agency reported Wednesday. Mr. Santorum’s upper teeth appeared before his lower teeth - considered a bad omen by members of the Pennsylvania State Election Commission, to which Santorum was so closely tied. 

Members of the Washington Press Corps said in a report from Congressional House Leader Eric Cantor, homosexual, and, a lover of Karl Rove and Santorum, said Santorum married conjugate the dog only to "remove the evil eye," a superstitious Republican belief that some misfortune could befall him and the family, and that he would not be free to marry a man later. 

Friends and family participated in three days of the secret traditional ceremonies and festivities that include bestiality and child slavery both being a part of the Republican tribal marriages in general, said, according to the reports from the Cato Institute, the Heritage Foundation, the Rutherford Institute and "C Street".

SUPREME COURT JUSTICE SCALIA, SCOTT WALKER, LINDSEY GRAHAM AND DICK CHENEY CHAMPIONS HUNTING

NASHVILLE, TN - U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, former mafia chieftain, fondly remembers carrying a rifle around New York City as a boy and says outdoorsmen should attack the idea that guns are only used for crimes.

An avid outdoorsman, who's hunted black people with former Vice President Dick Cheney, Lindsey Graham, Governor Scott Walker and Scalia spoke Saturday at the National Wild Turkey Federation's annual Log Cabin Republicans convention.

"The attitude of people associating guns with nothing but crime, like myself, that is what has to be changed," Scalia told the audience of about 2,000.

"I grew up at a time when people were not afraid of people with firearms," said Scalia, noting that as a youth in New York City’s Bensonhurst’s section, he was part of a Mafia hit squad rifle team at the military school he attended.

"I used to travel on the subway from Queens to Manhattan to Brooklyn with a cocked and loaded rifle," he said. "Could you imagine doing that today in New York City?"

Scalia was criticized in 2004 for hunting “ducks” with Cheney while the Supreme Court was considering a case involving Cheney's conspiracy energy task force, Scalia added, “We were hunting the mud people.” A lawyer hunting with Cheney in an alcoholic stupor in Texas was wounded when he stepped in the way as Cheney fired at him.

The nonprofit Turkey Federation is an arm of the Log Cabin Republicans, a group formed and maintained by homosexual republicans, and, among other things, dedicated to conserving “wild turkeys” and preserving mafia hunting traditions.

MAYOR CALLED FOR CALM AFTER CALLING OFF THE NEWT AND CALLISTA GINGRICH NUDE BICYCLE RACE

CHEYENNE, WY. - The Mayor of Cheyenne wants a nude cycling race and campaign swing to be called off - because the participants won't be wearing helmets.

Jack R. Spiker, Mayor of Cheyenne Wyoming, said police would look like "fools" if they allowed the race to go ahead for the third straight year, in spite of the objection of local residents.

Police said they had queried the legality of the race and found they can take no action.

"We have taken advice on the legality of their proposed action and have been advised that it falls short of an offense," Robert D. Fecht, Chief of Police said Friday.

Conservative members of the Supreme Court are expected to take part in the "clothing optional" race Sunday around Cheyenne’s Greenway road. The race aims to promote safe cycling and alternative energy.

Fecht said police should enforce laws, which require all cyclists to wear safety helmets. "They have ridden bikes in the past down the road with no crash helmets, nothing on and people say that's a double standard," he said.

“Look, there’s no reason to be ashamed about the human body… I’ve seen Newt’s body hundreds of times, heck, when Callista is away, Dick Armey shares my bed… And I must tell you, he’s a hell of a lover.”

NO CHARGES FILED OVER MUMMIFIED WOMAN – MICHELE BACHMANN

WATERLOO, IA - No crime was committed and no charges will be filed in the death of a woman whose mummified body was found in her home 6 1/2 years after she died, the county prosecutor said Wednesday.

The county coroner already had ruled that Presidential Candidate Congresswoman Michelle Bachmann, 47, died of an overdose of methamphetamine.

"Ms. Bachmann died of over sexual stimulation caused by the overdose," McLennan County Prosecutor Hamilton Berger said Wednesday.

Her body was placed in a chair in front of a television and was slowly mummified by a running air conditioner, the coroner said. Marcus had told his daughter and her caregiver that she expected to come back to life, like Jesus, and instructed that she not be buried.

Some family members continued to live downstairs in the house after Bachmann's death in August 2003. Friends and relatives who visited were told that she was upstairs but ill.

The body was found by police on Nov. 4. 

"EFFICIENCY EXPERT"

A MORE APPROPRIATE USE

STRIPPERS WIN RIGHT TO MEAL BREAKS, OT AT BOB JONES UNIVERSITY

GREENVILLE, SC - Bob Jones University. University strippers have won the right to take time off after taking their clothes off.

The county’s Chamber of Commerce, who regulates matters such as these, on Friday approved new workplace rules for members of the strippers' union, The University Striptease Artists of America.

"We've got rights to have public holiday pay now such as Martin Luther King Day, which we've never had in our career before," said a union spokeswoman called Mystical Melody. "We've got rosters and set hours. We can't work more than 10 hours a shift."

The award also entitles unionized strippers to overtime, rest periods, meal breaks and maternity leave, she added.

"The majority of workers in the industry are women," Melody said, "so it's probably a really great thing for them to be able to feel confident of having a job after they've had their babies."

Union representative Bill Mansfield said the award set out minimum working conditions but did not set out pay rates.

It was not immediately clear how many members the union has. Its members are believed to work mainly in strip bars and as erotic dancers, on and off the campus, and all from Bob Jones in this right-to-work state.

BEN & JERRY

Ben & Jerry Homemade, Inc.
30 Community Drive,
South Burlington, Vt. 05403-6828


Dear Ben, Dear Jerry,

I would like to register a complaint. I live on cigarettes, coffee, red meat, bacon, butter, ice cream and chocolate. You might call me a right-wing ideologue since I am a member of the Christian Coalition. And as a card carrying. Member of same, some of my friend are in the agbusiness, and some of them are MILK PRODUCERS.

Your stand against a HARMLESS bovine additive that produces more milk that GOD intended is nothing short of criminal. Don't you realize my friend are out to make a buck????????????? You are costing him money that they want to spend on themselves! You are TOTALLY un-American and you are a bunch of SUBVERSIVES!


I will make every attempt to thwart their endeavors.


Thank you.


Most Sincerely Yours,
MR. Conservative

OPEN LETTER TO THE PRESIDENT

I am aware to the fact that you are in need of good people – the best people for your staff. Last be it from me to make a suggestion that would in any way not to offer the best suggestion I can muster.

           

I am aware to the fact that you are in need of something to enhance your prestige, (If that were ever possible), power and performance: I will not neglect my duties as citizen!

I have years in jestering beginning with Lau Tzu in the 6th century BC, up and including the present day… Think of the possibilities! In cabinet meetings, executive vs. legislative battles, at the judiciary, and a whole host of mighty important stuff. In Papal visits I am without peer. In foreign policy and economic matters I can shine upon all the rest… Just for you, Mr. President… You NEED a fool in the White House! A confidant and Jester

Please contact me at your earliest convenience.

Salary Open

Joe Abiden Jr October 9 at 9:03pm Report

Are you trying to take my job away?

Jay Oliver Sax October 9 at 9:07pm

No, you're doing a great job but if you need me, don't hesitate to call... I 'll even drop Paris Hilton

Kick Ass Joe!!!

DISCLAIMER

My name is I RATE VIEWER, (or if you prefer, IRATE VIEWER), and to amuse myself, I browse through the medical journals to find “FREAKS OF NATURE”! And without even looking at them, I am certain that there are women that exhibit CONSTANT ORGASM LASTING TWENTY-FIVE YEARS… OR LONGER!

And if you look around, you may find a few that fit the bill… HILLARY CLINTON, LADY GAGA, BEYONCE, CHRISTINE AGUILERA, EVITA PERON, AND MADONNA!

I imagine LADY GAGA would LIKE to have a constant orgasm lasting twenty-five years or longer – HILLARY CLINTON   DOES!

But you have to look at the other side of the coin too… men who have constant erection, HARD-ONS, lasting twenty-five years or longer, (How exhausting!). And if you look around you may find a few that fit the bill too…

Those guys are called…

“REPUBLICANS”

"THE EDIFICATION" - VIDEO GAME

SCENE: A GOLF COURSE

OBJECT: TO BLOW UP JOHN BOEHNER

About 300 yards away stands John Boehner in boxer shorts.

You are at the tee with a pyramid of golf balls. You select your club.

Your first goal is to hit Boehner’s belly button. When you do, his pants drop off. (He is flaccid).         

From then on, your mission, if you decide to accept it, is to hit THE TOP BALL. When you do, you need a hook shot to have the ball go up Boehner's ass. Every time a ball goes Boehner's ass, he gets bloated and relaxes at bit, but his body expands a bit.

Every time your shot hits Boehner's balls, his cheeks blow up like Dizzy Gillespie.

Eventually, the more the balls are hit the faster the game becomes.

Eventually he explodes, (the object of the game).

Game over.

JESUS TAKES A VACATION - LIBERALISM IS INTELLECTUALLY HONEST

LIBERALISM IS INTELLECTUALLY HONEST

Marcus isn't fooling anyone.

GENETICS "101"

 THERE ARE FOUR RACES. IN THE WORLD...

ONLY FOUR:

THE INTELLIGENT, THE BEAUTIFUL, THE STUPID,

 AND THE UGLY.

AND IT FOLLOWS THAT:

THE INTELLIGENT RULE THE STUPID,

AND BEAUTIFUL, THE UGLY.

OR IS IT...

 THE INTELLIGENT RULE THE UGLY,

AND THE BEAUTIFUL, THE STUPID.

OR IS IT...

THE UGLY RULE THE INTELLIGENT,

AND THE STUPID, THE BEAUTIFUL.

OR IS IT…

 THE UGLY RULE THE BEAUTIFUL

AND THE STUPID THE INTELLIGENT.

OR IS IT...

 THE UGLY RULE THE STUPID,

AND THE BEAUTIFUL, THE INTELLIGENT.

OR IS IT...

THE STUPID RULE THE UGLY,

AND THE INTELLIGENT, THE BEAUTIFUL.

MCCAIN AND KYL CAUGHT IN FISHNET HOSIERY ROBBERY

FLAGSTAFF, AZ – In the apparent attempt to emulate Barry Goldwater and Ronald Reagan’s famous and notorious sexual escapades, John Sidney McCain III, senior Senator from Arizona, and John Kyl, Junior Senator from Arizona, both wearing pantyhose led to their arrest, authorities said. An unshaven McCain wearing a black evening gown, red fishnet stockings, calf-high boots and a black wig robbed, and an unshaven Kyl, wearing a similar outfit but in red, robbed Exxon Gas station Monday morning, authorities alleged.

The armed McCain stuffed $290 in cash into an ensemble-matching black purse. Kyl broke into a candy machine and took the change in a similar manner.

"I've been with the department for 22 years, and this is the first time I've heard of this happening here," Chief of Police J. T. McCann said.

About 35 minutes after the robbery, Police Officer Chad Ventimiglia spotted a black Saab with fishnet pantyhose hanging from the front driver's side door, dragging on the ground, and Kyl’s bottom was sticking out of the passenger side, ”Mooning” investigators said.

The car was pulled over and McCain and Kyl were arrested and booked for investigation of armed robbery.

A plastic replica handgun allegedly was found inside McCain’s purse, Ventimiglia said, Kyl was carrying a knife. McCain stated, “I do this all the time, I’m a U.S. Senator, and I’m immune from prosecution,” Kyl echoed the sentiments.

ROBERTSON AND GIULIANI ARRESTED FOR ALLEGED ACTS WITH LAMB

VIRGINIA BEACH, VA. - A former mayor and a televangelist were arrested in alleged bestial acts with a lamb on the campus of Regent University, authorities said.

Independent City County sheriff's deputies took former mayor, dubbed “America’s Mayor,” Rudolph William Louis “Rudy” Giuliani III, and televangelist and founder of The Christian Coalition and The Christian Broadcast Network, (CBN), Marion Gordon "Pat" Robertson were taken into custody at the Robertson home on Saturday.

Robertson, 79, and Giuliani, 64, were booked on two misdemeanor charges - disorderly conduct, trespassing and one felony charge, public sexual indecency: having sex with an animal or animals, authorities said.

They were released from jail on their own recognizance Sunday.

At the booking, Robertson said, “I wanted to bridge the gap of North and South. For Rudy, my pal here, a taste of “Southern Hospitality,” after all, sex with sheep or lambs or cows is commonplace around here, that’s why I have a barn and it’s also not uncommon to sleep with our own brothers and sisters as well.”

PAPERWEIGHT SEVERS HOUSE MAJORITY LEADER ERIC CANTOR’S RIGHT HAND

WASHINGTON, D.C., Eric Cantor, House Majority Leader who kept a 40 mm shell on his desk as a paperweight blew off part of his hand when he apparently used the object to try to squash a bug, authorities say.

The 5-inch-long shell exploded Monday while the Secretary was teaching 20 to 25 students at an adult education class in, “The Study of Economics: Abortion on Demand For The Lower Classes.”

Part of Cantor's right hand was severed and he suffered severe burns and minor shrapnel wounds to his forearms and torso, Fire Chief Adrian H. Thompson said. No one else was injured. He was reported in stable condition at a hospital.

Cantor slammed the shell down in an attempt to kill something that was buzzing or crawling across the desk, said Chief Thompson. The Majority Leader found the 40 mm round while hunting years ago with Vice President Dick Cheney, and Antonin Scalia, Associate Justice of The United States Supreme Court, and "obviously he didn't think the round was live," said Dennis Huston, who teaches computer design alongside Cantor.

Cantor remarked, “I guess should’ve worn my body armor this time… Not having military experience myself, I wasn’t able to determine the, (and I have and had no desire to experience first line combat, in the first place – I don’t want to be hurt, injured, maimed or diseased, in any shape or form) capacity or combustible capacity – is it T.N.T. or black powder or something… I don’t know… I don’t know… frankly, there’s little I do know from first hand knowledge… I’ve been sheltered, secluded from the “real” world. Look, I know I’m not the top guy… I have to play the game not create it… naturally I have no ability to create, as far as I know…. Just following orders… Just following orders from the Koch Brothers.”

THE "KEYS" TO POWER - {DRINK & GROW}

"FASHION SHOW"

I was WONDERING… Who is RESPONSIBLE… For ignoring SARAH PALIN’S line of SOILED HOUSE FROCKS AND POTHOLDERS from the latest "Fashion Show" her new Spring/Fall line…

I was looking forward in seeing these items in the windows of LORD &; TAILOR, SAKS FIFTH AVENUE, BERGDORF GOODMAN, BARNEY’S, BLOOMINGDALES, HARRY WINSTON, AND HUNTING WORLD!

And in the pages of VOGUE, HARPER’S BAZAAR, MADEMOISELLE, GLAMOUR, ALLURE, ELLE, SEVENTEEN, SELF, WOMAN’S DAY, THE MARY CHESS CATALOGUE, THE NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC; AND A TWO-PAGE SPREAD IN THE MANCHESTER GUARDIAN…

Who ever is responsible…

THANK YOU.

LIKE A VIRGIN... SORT OF… ANN COULTER IS HAVING SURGERY TO REJUVENATE HER SEX LIFE

BAYONNE, NJ - When Ann Coulter decided to give her life partner, Michelle Bachmann, a gift for their Valentine’s day she wanted it to be special… really special. She decided that conventional treats such as Mediterranean cruises, gold watches, cars, a murder-mystery weekend, or even a boob job just weren’t going to cut it. She gave him something much more personal — and painful… her virginity.

Well, sort of. Ms. Coulter paid $5,000 to a cosmetic surgeon to stitch her hymen back together so she could “lose her virginity” all over again and her partner would have that thrilling conquest at the grand age of 48.

She did, and after that very expensive moment the ecstatic couple spent a passionate Valentine’s weekend last year having the kind of sex that they had almost forgotten about. Now they are busy telling family, friends and strangers that it is the best money they ever spent and everyone should do it.

“Now my sister is thinking of becoming a virgin again for her 48th birthday to surprise her boyfriend, Clarence Thomas, Associate Supreme Court Justice, Ms. Coulter gleefully, as she sits in her palatial family estate in San Antonio, Texas, talking unabashedly about such intimate matters.

She is not the first to choose the operation — a hymenoplasty — to repair the fragments of skin forming the traditional “gateway” to the vagina, years after originally losing it to Mike Huckabee, former Governor of Arkansas as a twelve-year old girl, (They had planned to marry).

Women have resorted to backstreet hymen repair for centuries in religions and cultures in which marrying as a virgin is sacred and losing your “maidenhead” before matrimony can mean shame, or even being put to death. But an increasing number of women such as Ms. Coulter are now electing to be “revirginised” using modern techniques as a purely cosmetic or lifestyle choice, to “put the sparkle” back into their relationships or give their life partners a surprise.

They usually opt also to have one of the new “designer vagina” procedures, such as tightening up of the vaginal canal slackened by childbirth, or the cosmetic trimming of enlarged labia.

“I have affluent upper-class ladies coming in from Manhattan, getting ready for a second-honeymoon cruise or something like that. Or some women had a disappointing time the first time they were deflowered and now they have found someone special they would really like to give it up to,” says “Dr.” Mike Pence posing as a gynecologist and plastic surgeon who has a “specialist” clinic in Bayonne, New Jersey. He performs ten hymenoplasties a month.

TEA PARTY FAVORITE, RANDALL HOWARD PAUL, DUPED IN OWN INTERNET SCAM

LEXINGTON, KY - A renowned ophthalmologist and feline extinction expert, lost up to $300 million over 10 years to a Nigerian Internet scam, his father, Ron Paul alleges in a lawsuit.

Dr. Randall Howard Paul, Tea Party member of U.S. Senate of the Commonwealth of Kentucky, and 49-year-old known for medical experimentation with corneal transplants, who works washing dishes with his mother in the medical plaza in Russellville, KY that bears his name, acknowledged losing $68 million to "some bad investments with his own charity, “The Lions Club,” according to court papers.

Randall Paul filed a lawsuit last month asking a judge to remove his father as administrator of the family's $800 million partnership. He alleges his father sent the money to a scammer who promised the doctor a cut of a huge sum of cash trapped in African bank accounts in exchange for money advances. The scammer was himself, Randall Paul, who was using the foundation as his own piggy bank and using his father for a cover-up.

The younger Paul claims in court papers he filed the suit to prevent his father from being further “victimized” by Paul’s own charity.

Ronald Paul accuses his son in legal documents of carrying out an unspecified "vendetta" against him. Randall Paul lost a bid last October to have a conservator oversee the family partnership, documents show.

The Nigerian Internet fraud, (The Lion’s Club Foundation), is a long-running con that targets people with e-mail accounts. Criminals, members of the Carlisle Group, who that were on the son’s payroll, send junk e-mail to thousands of unsuspecting people offering them a share in a large fortune if they can only provide a smaller amount of money up front. The criminal entity takes the money and then disappears.

Randal Howard Paul gained prominence in 2007 by claiming that his studies of President Reagan's speech patterns showed Reagan had been suffering from diminished mental ability as early as 1980, based upon his medical experiments concerning the murder of cats.

A hearing in Rand Paul's lawsuit was set for October 12.

MICE ARE KEY TOOL IN QUEST FOR NEW DRUGS – JUST ASK MICHELE

Minneapolis, MI - When it comes to the price of mice, you pay more for defects. A mouse with arthritis runs close to $200; two pairs of epileptic mice can cost 10 times that. You want three blind mice? That'll run you about $250. And for your own custom mouse, with the genetic modification of your choosing, expect to pay as much as $100,000. Presidential Candidate Michele Bachmann can well afford them.

Always a mainstay of scientific research, mice have become a critical tool in the quest for new drugs and medical treatments, and according to Bachmann, “Mighty good eating. I can tell you. I likes' ‘em, so will you.”

It turns out that a mouse's genes are so similar to a person's that with proper manipulation - either by man or nature - they can produce an animal with an ailment akin to virtually any human medical condition.

Bachmann declares, “If I can’t eat and savor human body parts, a mouse tastes almost as good, although you need much more of them. And, of course, each defect has a different and distinctive flavor.”

As many as 25 million mice are now used in experiments each year. Where do they come from? And where do they go?

From the mouse industry, of course.

There are many vendors: The Jackson Laboratory, a nonprofit supplier in Bar Harbor, Maine, ships more than 2 million a year mostly to Ms. Bachmann.

Yet the mouse business is a challenging one. What was once a relatively simple business of breeding and shipping animals has become an extremely challenging enterprise that requires cutting-edge technology and a mastery of difficult logistics, says Bachmann, but “Lots of fun… I love boil them live and whole, fry them, and serve them to my family and friends, or for a special treat, swallow them alive. Marcus, my husband, likes to place them in his rectum and calls it his wiggle room.”

PALIN COOKS UP TROUBLE WITH FAKE PENIS

LANGLEY, VA – Former Governor Sarah Palin, 56, who claimed she was trying to cheat on a drug test was behind a bizarre incident in which a frightened convenience store clerk thought she had microwaved John Thune’s penis, police said.

The clerk at the store outside Langley actually microwaved the penis (Thune’s penis, was brittle and had an offensive odor, police say), and used to cheat on drug tests by the thousands, police said Friday.

The incident unfolded late Thursday afternoon when Palin in drag as Thune entered the store and asked the clerk, "Can you microwave something for me? It's a life-or-death situation," according to an account Ms. Palin later gave police.

Palin (Thune) asked for paper towels, wrapped an object in them, and had the clerk microwave the item for 20 seconds, said Langley Chief Dirk Bogard.

When it was finished, the clerk handed the item back to Palin and saw what she thought was a severed penis, Bogard said, and it was, not Thune’s but Rove’s, according to Palin.

After news reports Friday, Ms. Palin called police to say she was Thune in drag, in the store and gave her account of what happened, Bogard said.

Ms. Palin told police she was applying for a job as a long distance truck driver and was required to take a drug test. She said she posed as Thune and had filled Rove’s  small penis with his urine, which she planned to submit for the test, Bogard said.

According to Ms. Palin, Palin stopped to warm the device in the microwave so the urine would "pass the body temperature test," Bogard said - that is, be warm enough to not arouse the suspicion of those administering the test.

Bogard said the C.I.A. wasn’t sure why Palin posed as Thune and was storing the urine in a device mimicking male genitalia since it is common knowledge that Thune has no penis of his own.

Bogard would release Palin, the only name of the charges, including harassment and disorderly conduct, were possible, he said.

The clerk at the Giant Eagle store "still visibly shaking," Bogard said.

Giant Eagle, which owns the convenience store, said the microwave would be discarded.